NEWS FROM THE SCOTTISH FRONT
by Tom Doran
TORIES WARN OF WHAT SCOTTISH INDEPENDENCE WILL REALLY MEAN!
Instead of Casual Fridays - the SNP is gong to mandate something called (mandatory) Kilted Fridays. All males from the ages of 5 up, will be required to show their cultural solidarity by wearing the kilt every Friday - whether at work, school, or play.
"If you leave your hoose, you must be showing your shins." said one SNP spokesman. "In fact," he continued, "That's going to be our slogan - 'If you're Scottish and Proud - Show your Shins!' " The spokesman, who wouldn't give us his name, assured us he was indeed an actual member of the SNP - and that he "Wiznae kiddin!"
The government will offer partial financial help for those making less than 10,000 pounds a year - and any purchases and rentals will be tax deductible.
The regulation is also meant to shore up one of Scotland's prime industries - the manufacture of tartan (a glut of cheap knock off kilts from India and Pakistan, already decried, will be banned outright one year after the implementation of the regulation) and related woolen items.
In anticipation, tartan makers and other related industries will be given long term, low interest loans and (one time) tax breaks to upgrade their facilities and to set up, in conjunction with the Ministry of Education, classes to further apprenticeship scholarships for weavers and kilt makers.
On a darker side, there will also be a 25 pound fine for all those caught without the kilt - and special "roving" units are being trained now to identify those wearing kilts and those falsely wearing women's skirts to save from having to buy (or rent) an admittedly much more expensive Kilt. It is not known if the roving units will be examining kilt wearers to ensure that it is being worn in the tradition manner, i.e. sans undergarments.
Noting the tradition of not wearing anything under the kilt, a flood of complaints from underwear manufacturers and sellers is being anticipated. A veiled warning has already been put forward from a conglomerate of Chinese textile manufacturers.
Highland wear rental shops, usually very busy primarily for weddings and Burns Night celebrations, are salivating at the thought.
A spokesman for the SNP says: "I don't see why there would be an outcry. Everyone always wants to romanticize our fine culture, and now we are preparing to make sure they show it - proudly. We want them to put their money where their trousers are. How will tourists, with their vast, hectic tour agenda's know where they are otherwise? After watching the film If it's Tuesday, it must be Belgium, I realized the value of it. Tourism is one of our most important industries and should be catered to. Our kilted image is the draw after all."
Surname Citizenship Requirement - further, two years after Independence, all immigrants taking an oath of citizenship to Scotland will be required to add the Gaelic "Mac" to the beginning of their names. Following in the success of similar integration efforts made in the past at Ellis Island in New York, the requirement will hope to foster new immigrants to adapt and find a new and welcoming identity. So, stay tuned for a flood of MacSzymanski (which would then literally mean Son of Son of Simon), MacKhan, and MacWong.
There have been a number of reports of a giant haggis stalking the woods around Inverness and a general increase in the number of normal sized haggis has been noted. The giant haggis may be a new species and has been tentatively named Haggis caberensis (since it is estimated to weight in as much as a caber) It is thought to be of potential danger to both sheep and humans in the area. There has been some talk of issuing haggis hunting licenses to get the beast (and thereby raise money for the government) but PETA is trying to force a moratorium on Haggis Hunting. Some believe that the increase in haggis sightings is caused by an increase in the haggis population as a result of rising temperature brought about by global warming. Similar warming may have caused the increase in size which has lead to the giant haggis, and there is some hope that with the increased temperatures of summer the giant haggis will in fact explode, thereby making the hunting issue a thing of the past
HAPPY APRIL FOOL'S DAY (In case you haven't guessed!)